Welcome to the funniest, most complete collection of chuck norris jokes

T-shirt Hell - Where all the bad shirts go.

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Noris can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless it's Chuck Norris's milk.

On the evolutionary chart chuck norris looks the same for last 50 million years because he was perfect from day one.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck norris sleeps with a pillow under his uzi

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down a street with an erection... There were no survivors!

Chuck Noris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Noris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once challanged Lance Armstring in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won... by five.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Jesus turned water into wine, Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

If you have 10 dollars and Chuck Norris has 10 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris' funny bone has never made him laugh, but it has been used to kill

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial wrong phone numbers, people answer the wrong phone.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck norris can tell a black joke with out looking over his shoulder .

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris invented the Wetnap when he picked up a paper towel and it pissed itself.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, nightmares try and stay awake.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris doesn't have sperm, only little ninjas.

Chuck Norris's nipples can power China for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

NEVER look directly at Chuck Norris you'll go blind

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer and a little bit of sperm got in the gas tank, we now know this trailer as Optimus Prime

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris's penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

Anyone can piss on the floor, but chuck norris can shit on the ceiling

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.

God said "Let there be light", Chuck Noris said "Say please".

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Noris believes it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a 72 oz. steak in an hour, he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they all knew karate, and they are now known as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris does not have a religion. The gods worship Chuck Norris.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris doesn't get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The adjective "perfect" originated when Chuck Norris gave his penis a nickname.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That's just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The Titanic didn't sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris' chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.

When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn't speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.

Crop circles are just Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down.

it only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' backyard

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris figured out a way to make his dink 10 inches long. He folded it in half.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

T-shirt Hell - Where all the bad shirts go.

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Chuck Norris Reads - Top 10 Chuck Norris Jokes

Top 10 Chuck Norris jokes, read by Chuck Norris himself. Watch his reaction.


Click the play icon to watch this video of Chuck Norris reading his favorite Chuck Norris jokes.